Busy and Bitchy

Who says I’m on a hiatus?

The past months had been very busy and bitchy. Somebody should congratulate me for I am now formally a part of the high unemployment rate in the country. It’s already summer but I don’t think I’ll be able to enjoy it. No more vacations for me. And I am still busy trying to save myself from being a bum but it seems like there are limited opportunities in the corporate world in my chosen field.

After 16 years of studying, I still consider going back to school. Man’s quest for knowledge is boundless. I’m not satisfied with the four-year course that I took. I’m still thinking if I’ll pursue for a second degree or post graduate studies. But before that, I should really get a job, a decent one.

After weeks of job hunting, I find it quit stressing and disappointing. Stressing, as what I said, there are only a few job openings where I could really apply my field of knowledge. The mismatch between the skills of the workers and their jobs, or for jobseekers, the available jobs are cannot be denied. Thus, most individuals in the country are experiencing structural unemployment. Most of them are can be seen in the Business Process Outsourcing industry. As much as possible, I don’t want to be one of them.

Disappointing, I guess I just expected too much and because I’m being choosy.

Oh well, got to go back to being busy and bitchy, job hunting rather.

Lackrymosa

As they say, tears cleanse our eyes so that we may be able to see the world in a clearer view. When you feel that your vision becomes blurry, leave the job to your tears. They’ll purify your eyes for your soul to have a renewed perception of everything.

Tears also signify emotions. Crying or weeping is a way to release kept emotions like pain, melancholy, hatred, fears, and even happiness. It is a means to ease the burden suffered by a person. It may also be a sign for intense exultation.

But did there come a time that you felt you ran out of tears? Definitely not because of crying too much since the matter is that you can’t really cry at all.

When you were confronted with a lot of problems and too many emotions, and you thought that tears had started to dwell in your eyes for having too much. The thought of breaking down had already crossed your mind and getting things off your chest by means of shedding tears. But when you are about to burst into tears, there was just nothing.

Not a mere drop of water fell from your eyes. And they weren’t even watery.

Tearless grief bleeds inwardly.
~ Christian Nevell Bovee

The cuts seemed to be so deep. The wounds will never be healed. And stains will never be erased from the heart. Extreme aversion caused by so much anguish and torment cannot be lessened by a few drops of water. Already succumbed by hatred and a heart turned to a stone.

One is plated, and the other is gold...

"Make new friends but keep the old
One is silver, and the other is gold"

Does this sound familiar to you? It’s a traditional Girl Scout song, a good theme for friendships. Make new friends as you go through your life, but don’t forget the ones that have been with you throughout the ups and the downs.

“Make new friends but keep the old
One is plated, and the other is gold”

But nowadays, with the deceitful nature of humans, it’s difficult to trust the people around you. You don’t know who to consider as friends for most people are treacherous. Some people would only befriend you just because they benefit from you. They gain without exerting any effort and it is in your expense. They are also known as users, free riders, or parasites, leeches to be specific. They take advantage of the kindness and generosity of their host.

This is something I learned from college. This is really how it goes in college.

If you’re wondering who I am talking about here, well, I’m referring to my thesis group mates who I have been blabbering about from my old posts. I had enough of them.

"The only shame is to have none."
~ Blaise Pascal

To make matters worse, they even added insult to injury. The fact that they did not cooperate nor help means that handing me money without even saying a word is a grave insult to me. We even had a senseless exchange of text messages. One of them even had the guts to tell me that “selflessness is just a word”. So what I did for them was just crap?! Shameless people.

"Sometimes solutions aren't so simple
Sometimes goodbye's the only way"
~ Linkin Park, Shadow of the Day

Now, some of them are apologizing. I guess this people will never learn. I got fed up. Enough is enough, I already gave them chances but they just blew it. I supposed they didn’t even deserve everything I’ve done for them.

"Thanks for the memories,
Even though they weren't so great."
~ Fall Out Boy, Thnks Fr Th Mmrs

We had lots of memories, thank you for those. Though all I can say to you now is… I. Despise. You.

TAE: Thoughts And Emotions 002

“Time heals all wounds…”

Such a cliché when we talk about pain. We think that time is so generous and kind that it can take all kinds of pain that we experienced.

Pain caused by people that should be protecting us, people that should be keeping us safe from harm. Wounds that are cannot be seen but can last a lifetime. Words uttered that hurt and left scars on a child. Torment brought by the harsh reality of love’s selfishness on a loving maiden’s heart.

All of these griefs were believed to be carried away by time.

But time can be so cruel. Time, which people assumed to be the only hope that could take their pains away, can be so vicious. Instead of taking the pain away, it aggravates the agony felt by people. It makes people more miserable, increasing the anguish suffered by individuals, luring them to the dark realm of life, stranded in the shadows of the past.

"Time has a way of healing, or so they say
So why am I still left here..."
~ Urbandub, Evidence

Healing is not an easy process. You can’t just leave the entire job to time per se. It is the sorrow that leaves us stranded, and it is time that tells us how long are we stranded. Time simply reminds us to move on. Time can really help in talking the pain away, that is, if we allow it to do so. The keys in doing so are forgiving and letting go. Both things are difficult, but that is what is needed in order to move on. Forgiving and letting go are essential in the healing process.

I just wonder, when will I be able to learn to forgive and let go.

Define, define, define...

These past few weeks, I felt so much anguish and it’s pretty obvious with my previous entries. But I still managed to smile though it was really stressful. I got messages from my family and friends that I believed were from the heart. That may be a small thing, but it means a lot to me.

Another thing that somehow made my mood was the activity held after our last class for this semester. As a requirement for the yearbook, we were asked to submit a self description with a maximum of 150 words. Most of us were having a hard time describing ourselves, so the class decided to have an activity to solve the dilemma.

There were 48 yellow long papers, each paper was written a name of the 48 individuals. The activity was sort of a game. The rules were simple. You just have to write something about that person, positive or negative it may be, then pass the paper and grab another paper to write on.

I was a bit surprised with the result of the activity. There were only 27 people who wrote some stuff on my paper that is out of my 47 block mates. Some were absent, others sneaked away because it was already late.

Well, here are what they think about me.
1. always generous
2. sweet, fighter, loyal
3. sweet, smart
4. palaban sa lahat ng bagay
5. kind and approachable, true friend
6. mukha namang harmless (try to look again)
7. charming at matalinong bata
8. ohh... i'm scared (ohh, you better be)
9. fun to be with, easy to get along with
10. serious type of girl
11. frank
12. sweet, mabait, a friend
13. sweet but intimidating, understanding
14. sweet and cool, with a little nudge she can also be bad
15. mataray, palaban, responsible
16. fighter
17. nakakatakot (really huh)
18. kind, serious, easy to get along with
19. snob at front, friendly inside
20. mataray
21. sweet and simple
22. makulit, attitude, responsible
23. smart, vain
24. bitch (so true)
25. smart and pretty
26. ganda
27. sobrang responsible, katuwa, mapanindigan

So that is me in my block mates' point of view. I was so astounded by what they wrote. Most of them think that I'm sweet!? Oh come on! If you really know me, I bet you'll consider me as the least sweet person on earth. And they even think that I'm kind!? I guess they just wrote it down to be a little kind to me. Some were actually true, especially the intimidating part.
Those statements enclosed in parenthesis are my side comments.
I decided to put here how they define me in order for the readers (that is, if there really are) of this site to gain insights about the weird person behind this site.